PUNS I AM NOT PROUD OF

PUNS I AM NOT PROUD OF
M.V. Montgomery

*

hi tech?

I was struggling to read my literature anthology for class. It was heavy, so I tilted back in my chair and rested the book on my gut. But that was still uncomfortable. I had to prop myself up with one hand, hold the book up with the other, and the pages kept flipping ahead.

They say that necessity is the mother of invention. When I glanced around the room, I saw some of my daughter’s Barbies lying on the carpet. I got up and grabbed one-one of the dudes, of course.

I then returned to my chair, placed my book on top of the doll, and positioned his hands to hold down the pages for me. Believe it or not, this works like a charm; and furthermore, makes for some pleasant, companionable reading.

An hour later, my daughter came in from playing. What are you doing, Daddy? she asked.

Reading this book on Ken doll, I said.

*

fight or flight?

I’m sorry, there has been a cancellation for your connecting flight to Denver, she said, but we could reroute you all the way through New Mexico.

Sure, I said with a shrug. I’ll-be-quirky.

*

nosy neighbor

My neighbor had always fought to keep other homeowners up to our association’s strict code (you might call her a busybody), but when her teenage son and daughter began permanently parking their cars in the driveway, in violation of a rule about keeping vehicles garaged, she surrendered. No way could she point the finger at others now!

I’m going to call you Car-lot-a, I teased.

*

polar realtor

What do you think of our new igloo model? she asked me brightly.

I dunno. I guess I’m just not in’oit, I replied.

*

payday moan

The payroll officer stamped my check and then, with a look of disdain, slowly emptied a whole canister of parsley flakes over it. What are you doing? I cried out.

Just garnishing your wages, sir, he said.

*

namedropper

That day, I was so exhausted, I never even made it out of the garage. I fell asleep right there in the front seat. Call me Rudolph Carnap.

Eventually, I got out and walked back into the house. It was cold there, as if the thermostat had been preset by William Least-Heat Room.

Soon I felt a sense of spiritual torpor I can’t quite describe. I felt tired all over, physically and mentally-I was practically the St. Francis of Accidie.

The muscle aches, the runny nose, the dizziness in the head-something about the whole situation didn’t Edith Sitwell with me.

And then I checked my temperature: yes, I had contracted the flu.

*

el bambino

I was napping in the meadow, murmuring contentedly. Someone or something was nuzzling my shirt collar and licking my face. Suddenly, I sat up. Above me stood an amorous young deer.

Shoo! I said. Go away and stop fawning over me!

*

product placement II

He was a big influence on me, one of my most important mentos.

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matron

When I was a teen, my mom’s sister always sat up at night to wait for me until I got home. I used to call her my Vigil-Auntie.

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pup/perp

We caught the dog that made off with your handbag, ma’am. The dead giveaway, in this case, was his pursed lips.

*

on the beat

I’d been tailing the suspect for over an hour through the city streets when I stepped off the curb straight into a sticky mess. I cursed, and she whirled to face me.

Just who the hell are you? she shrieked.

Don’t worry ma’am, I’m no criminal, I said, attempting to reassure her. Just your average gumshoe.

*

preexisting condition

I am afraid of driving with some of my co-workers; you never know what Machiavellian moves one of them might pull on you when the car goes under a dark bridge.

A doctor told me I might have carpool-tunnel syndrome.

*

the pun that stretched for 6K

So, I was trying to walk to my destination when a huge group of runners entered the street.

I backtracked and tried to cross the opposite way at the intersection, but was blocked for a second time as the long joggernaut rounded the bend.

*

©2012 This work is the property of the author.