Steven Kain


         Jay and Ruthy were in love cause Ruthy loved Jay and Jay loved Ruthy back and neither of them gave a good god damn if you liked it so screw off and that was their view of the situation for the longest time.

        Ruthy was a calendar collector. She had a calendar for every day of the year. She pinned them up on the walls of their itty bit four room apartment. She did not have space for the Decembers so she taped those to the windows. Kitty cats, dogs, nature, tv shows, men and women models. Ruthy liked to look at every day as a day of the month and a day of the year in and of itself.

        Jay was a Bible thief. He preferred the King James versions but any Bible would do, those New Testament pocket Bibles or the Teen easy reading Bibles, children’s Bibles with pictures. Every Sunday he would visit a new church and steal the community Bible placed in his pew. People just assumed he was a churchgoer that brought his own personal Bible with him as many do. He would also steal or buy them from bookstores or libraries or motel rooms but the churches had the largest selection. Jay had stacks to the ceiling wrapped around his computer desk. Pushing in his gut was essential to pinch through. Jay knew the Holy Book kept the demons at bay. Once he discovered you could download a Bible app on your cell phone or read the whole Bible on the internet his obsession died down.

        Jay and Ruthy met at the zoo. Jay was trying to pass a Reese’s Piece into the monkey cage for his friend George he visited every Tuesday. Ruthy saw this and protested but Jay stole her heart away when explaining his philosophy on candy and life. There is no wrong way.

        He proposed to her on a seesaw in the park. The ultimate test of trust. She said yes. He said yay! They celebrated on the jungle gym. A boy found their condom the next day, picked it up with a stick and chased a little girl with it.

        Now they lived by the day. Jay pushed carts at Shop Right while Ruthy waited tables at Pizza Hut. Jay dreamed of being a limo driver, transporting the big wig celebrities from place to place but the driver’s license test was so dang tricky. Trick questions where either two answers could both be right or no answers seemed to make sense. Every month he went to the dmv with his lucky green socks and his mood ring bright orange. Jay was never good with books but he knew he’d pass the actual road test like a real rock star. Like Bono. One time he got a 78 which is only 2 points away from passing. Mrs. Hall the old colored lady that oversaw his test said she’d bake him a cake the day he finally passed it. Until then he had Ruthy to drive him around who was really smart except that she smoked Virginia Slims.

        Ruthy wanted to be Beyonce because she is the most beautiful girl in the entire whole planet and the most talented Diva that has ever come out of the world at any point in time where people in the earth were singing songs and dancing. That girl can really put on a show she’d always say. She really would always say that.

        Things went down the hill with Jack and Jill one day when it was Friday so of course Jay’s day off. He was playing Star Fox 64 for the Nintendo 64 entertainment system and he pushed pause 4/12’s of the way into the game in order to pee. Ruthy all the time complained of Jay squirting on the toilet seat and floor so Jay had made a habit to sit when he peed. But Ruthy was working shift at the hut so Jay said, “What the HELL, Ruthy won’t find out I won’t tell her!” He had a mild erection because he was thinking about that one scene in Wild Things where Matt Dillion hooks up with both Denise Richards and also Neve Campbell too! He shoulda waited till he softened down but he didn’t and the short powerful burst of piss like a super soaker gun pumped and pumped into full throttle was powerful enough for the toilet water to sprinkle out on the lid. When he took a step back to try and solve this problem he didn’t adjust his aim and shot a spray of urine on the floor.

        “Oh oh spaghettos!” which Jay liked to say whenever under heavy circumstances. Jay didn’t realize he could wipe up the mess with a tissue because Ruthy like his mother before her always cleaned up the bathroom. He knew she would come home and be the exact opposite of happy. When the piss hits the floor the shit hits the fan as his second cousin Dave from Delaware used to say concerning women.

        Jay would write a note to Ruthy explaining the situation as it happened, he would apologize, he would promise to make it up to her and tell her he was sorry and apologize to her. Jay had a pen that was blue with black ink but he had no paper. Ruthy had a notebook in the bottom drawer of her nightstand. She loved to draw clocks but with the numbers in the wrong order. She had a theory that 4:00 should come directly after 7:00. Never mind, he would rip a page from the book to make things right. He opened the drawer and on top the notebook sat a black bag. He looked into the black bag mildly curious but not expecting much but boy what he found really shook his shoes to untie. I mean it really made his contacts pop out his eye sockets, his chapstick bleed red, his t shirt turn backwards and inside out. A dildo!!!!!! !!! !! ! !!!!!!!

        A dildo is basically for all intents and purposes a fake penis. It is made out of some kind of rubber or plastic and it’s shaped like a cock with a head at the end and this particular one even had a vein sticking out. Women use it to have sex without needing a man. It is a form of masturbation for lonely fat women and dikes. Ruthy only weighed 133 pounds and hated most girls.

        Jay was flabbergasted at the sight of the shaft. At least it isn’t black he thought to himself. Why did she own this product? They did it a lot. Like a lota lot. Jay walked out of their bedroom clenching in hand his worst enemy. His anger exploded in the living room when he began kicking the walls of Jericho to the ground while slinging Steely Dan around. How could this be? Ruthy said she loved Jay’s penis. She used to stroke it to attention and then sing into it like a microphone. “Jerking off, Jay Ima jerking off Jay, everything is okay when ya jerking off, Jay!” He wondered if girls liked to suck on dildos. Was it possible that he’d kissed her before with the hint of dildo breath on her mouth?

        Jay saw one touching oneself after marriage as a form of cheating with ones partner with one’s self. Uncleanliness. Filth. Those words came to mind. After the Holy Books crumbled to the ground Jay started ripping calendars off the walls until he got a great idea and stormed off to the bathroom. He grabbed the hand soap he took to the toilet, got on his knees and started washing the dildo in toilet water. Filth should be cleansed with filth. This is where Ruthy found Jay as she entered the apartment.

        Ruthy had had a rough day. Triplets were celebrating their birthday at Pizza Hut that afternoon and she had to sing Happy Birthday three times in a row. Another guy tipped her with a pack of football cards. She ran out of cigarettes on her last break and had to bum a cigar of her manager. Her monthly visit from mother-nature arrived sometime in the evening as well. So when Ruthy came home to a trashed apartment and her husband’s soapy hands jerking off her dildo in the toilet it made her the exact opposite of happy.

        “Shucks, Jay what the hell are you doing. Is that my…..Jay what the fuck are you doing with that it’s mine!”

        Jay turned to Ruthy but didn’t stop what he was doing.

        “What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I doing! What the fuck is this! Am I not enough man for you! Huh? Would you love me more if my dick magically vibrated!”

        “Jay it’s not a big deal. I barely use it anymore. I bought that stupid thing from some yard sale when I was like 14.”

        “Barely huh! And who exactly are you thinking about when you play with this THING! Bono? It is Bono isn’t it. this is what you’re doing when you’re in here alone listening to the Joshua Tree!”

        “Well.. yeah sometimes I do play music as an excuse to be alone but I’m only thinking about you when I use it, baby you have to know that!”

        “You’re a fake. And a liar. And a bullshit artist. I hate you and your nasty smoking habit.”

        Ruthy goes to Jay and kneels down beside him on the floor even wetter than before from the splishing and a splashing.

        “Baby you know how you won’t do it with me when I’m on my period? Well I always wish you would. I get abnormally horny this time of month and it helps me deal with my cramps”

        “Ruthy I always thought you didn’t want to make a mess like that. I’d have absolutely no problem at all really I really wouldn’t have any problem having sex with you on your period.”

        “Really? No sike?”

        “No sike”

        “Also umm… I like to use it somewhere else as well”

        “In your mouth?!”

        “No…eww no! Who would stick that thing in their mouth? You’d get mad dildo breath or something. No I sometimes like to shove it in my stinker. When I was younger I used to kinda like it when I had to take a shit I’d like push the feces out just a little and suck it back in. It’s hard to explain but then I, eventually after I figured out how to finger myself I started fingering my butthole too and would stick the eraser side of a pencil in there and….. other things like that. Guess if I was a guy I’d be a fag or something but I don’t know. I figured you wouldn’t be too into that I mean it’s kinda gross I don’t always wipe as good as I should.”

        “Ruthy I would love, you gotta believe me. I would love to stick my dick inside your asshole. I’ve always kinda wanted to just poke it in there and see if you’d notice or say anything but I never had the nerve to. I thought you would slap me for sure! haha Like really I thought you would get soooo mad you would just think I’m a complete pervert or something!”

        “No not at all. Jay it would mean so much to me if you would do me that honor.”

         Not another word was spoken as the two lovers embraced in a kiss and Jay gently positioned his women on the floor. They didn’t remember ripping off one another’s clothing, it felt as if they had eaten from the tree of knowledge and their clothes just disappeared. Ruthy eventually took position on top of Jay and gladly helped guide him into her bloody wound. Her gleaming eyes seemed to dilate from the surprised sensation of Jay successfully plunging the dildo deep into her ass hole first try.

        And Jay still loves Ruthy and Ruthy loves Jay also and they love each other and they like to try different things now and they’ve learned to be comfortable expressing them and if you don’t like it when Ruthy puts the strap-on on to attack Jay doggy style they don’t care because it’s none of your business anyway they don’t think really.

 ©2012 This work is the property of the author.

  1. MM welcomes Steven Kain with this funny piece about a couple coming to terms with a threatening dildo. I like his style, there are some funny things in here. But be warned, it does have some sexual content.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: